I've been wanting to write this blog for over a year. I just haven't figured out a way to try and convey what I want to say. Instead of lamenting about it I'm just going to write and see what happens.
I've worked in the fitness industry since 1989. In all of that time I've never had the body to match the industry. Well, that's not necessarily true - when I was 17 I had a great, athletic figure. Of course at the time I was bigger than my friends so I couldn't see the beauty of myself then. Sadly, I've fought long and hard to see the beauty of myself now.
Working in this industry can be very challenging because you are immediately judged by the way you look. Yes, we are all judged by our appearance, but we are particularly scrutinized in this industry. It is not uncommon for people to look at me and immediately dismiss me as a trainer and fitness instructor because I am not small. In fact, I'm fat...I have a lot of body fat. These two things, fitness professional and fat woman are not supposed to exist together - they are contradictory.
I have seen the surprise register on people's faces when they learn what I do for a living. I was in a bar several years ago with my sister and a man said to me "How amusing, you're a pleasantly plump trainer - and your sister is so attractive!" My sister 'accidentally' spilled her Appletini on him. But his words still hurt. His judgement still hurt.
I would like to think that I had a thicker skin (no pun intended), but truthfully I didn't. Sometimes I still don't. I'm actually very good at what I do and I hate that so many times, people cannot look past my body. "But you're a fitness professional - your body is your advertisement!" Is it? Is it really? I will tell you I've seen some awesome bodies on some bad trainers. What about my knowledge? What about the very keen eye I have that can see where people need corrections in their squat or lunge? What about the fact that I care enough about people's experiences in my class that I take the time to find modifications, or tweak positioning here or there so they are successful? I'm encouraging, compassionate, yet will push clients out of their comfort zones. I believe that when I'm teaching it's not my workout, so I don't do classes with participants often aside from demonstrating the work. Then I walk around and encourage, correct and teach. And as far as my personal fitness goes, I'm pretty darn healthy! I'm ridiculously strong, have stamina, balance, flexibility, can control my body pretty well. These are the things that I believe are important, not the size of my jeans.
I don't know why I have a hard time moving fat off of my bones...oh I have my suspicions and it has nothing to do with lack of movement, or eating a gallon of ice cream in front of the TV. I'm not going to delve into my theories here but let's just say I'm working on them. Not to please others or because I hate my body because I don't. I'm working on it because I know that it will ultimately make me healthier. It's for me. Yet....am I delusional for thinking that for the most part, when people look at me they would be more apt to accept and respect me as a fitness professional if I 'looked the part'? I don't know. I would hope that's not the case. It's not easy being a fat woman trainer in a world that is so aesthetically driven. I constantly feel like I have to justify my appearance or prove my worth. Instead I just need to let my work ethic and my abilities speak for themselves. I need to embrace the fact that even if I were thinner that wouldn't change me as a trainer. And maybe I need a little more faith in humanity.
I know there are others out there like me. I encourage embracing ourselves as we are right now at this moment. I hope that we won't judge each other or ourselves. I am in the revolution to educate people that thin doesn't necessarily equal healthy and that you can be beautiful, amazing, and worthy no matter where you are on your journey.
See you in class and the studio!
